As It Comes….I Will Remain … Schanntel

You couldn’t pay me to care about you—what you do, who you’re with, or where you give your time.

It sounds sick, but I’ve silently prayed you’d cheat on me. Not because I want more pain, but because I know that would finally give me the courage to walk away. Not out of love, not because I want forever with you—but because I don’t. I don’t care about your conversations, your people, or your little world anymore.

And it hurts that it took me this long to stop caring.

Some days I feel guilty. Other days, I feel guilty for even feeling guilty—because deep down, I know we were never meant to be.

Now I’m stuck, with a child I once begged for, thinking this was going to be forever. I believed in ‘til death do us part’—but this marriage only parted me from myself. And God knows I’ve tried. I’ve prayed, silently hoped you’d change, that you’d see me—but you never did. You just don’t care.

And I have to accept that. I do. Trust me, I do.
I just hate that it took me this long to find the strength to leave.

But even in all this pain, I found something I didn’t expect—me. The version of me that no longer begs, no longer waits to be seen, no longer tries to prove she’s enough.

I’m walking away, not just from you, but from the parts of me that accepted less than I deserved. And this time, I’m not looking back.

I may have lost time, but I gained clarity. And that’s worth everything.

And what hurts the most… is knowing I loved you more than I loved myself.

I stayed through silence, through disrespect, through the slow death of who I was, just to keep something alive that was already gone.

I hate that I waited for you to care. I hate that I begged in prayers you’ll never hear. And I hate that the only thing you gave me that lasted—was pain.

But even now, with my heart breaking, I’m the one who has to gather the pieces.

Alone.