As It Comes….I Will Remain … Schanntel

Hold on… let me light my joint.

I’ve sat for hours with nothing to say, just trying to understand myself. Singing hymns and old songs to pass the time. Watching movies that bring comfort to my soul. But I feel withdrawn from reality—and that haunts me. It’s like living in a world that feels caged in, with no freedom in sight.

I’ve written a million words, erased them all, and started over—yet nothing I write seems to match what I feel inside. Insecure about my passions. Doubting if I’m smart enough. Struggling to finish a sentence, worried about punctuation. Always selling myself short because I thought so little of myself. I convince myself I don’t deserve better. And in doing that, I tarnish everything around me. I want so much, but I don’t feel the need—or the drive—to chase after it.

Why?
Where’s the hustle?
Where’s the fire?

Because I don’t have one. No college degree. No career. Just… nothing. No American dream. I feel like I was robbed of so many things, and now I’m stuck in this loop of losing. I want to win—badly. Quietly, I dream about disappearing to an island with just my kids. That’s my dream.

People chase clothes, shoes, purses, and money. But me? I don’t care about any of that. I don’t want to be rich, famous, or even noticed. I just want to provide for my children without filling out government forms, standing in WIC lines, or applying for jobs where my associate’s degree means nothing.

I feel like I fit right into the statistics they made for us. Damn shame. I judge sometimes—but my house is made of glass and spikes. And lately, I’ve been facing the scary truth: I’m not like the others. I can’t sell my body for a check. I can’t spit bars. I can’t pour your favorite drink behind a bar. That’s just not me.

But I’ll make you laugh.
Some days are good. Some days are bad.
Today? It was okay.
Just like this post—my thoughts are everywhere.

I wish I had a better ending to this. But this is it. Just thoughts that never sit still, dreams that never feel close enough, and a heart that won’t shut up. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel different. Maybe I won’t.

Good night.